I tried not to imagine the conversation in my head too much beforehand. I didn’t want to over think it. Somehow though, I just thought everything would be right with the world immediately after the conversation.
It was terrible. Horrible. The only way it could have gone worse is if he had asked me to leave or told me he never wanted to see me again.
Luckily, he didn’t do that. But I still laid awake almost the entire night after the conversation wondering if I should give up on this relationship.
I suppose my timing could have been better. That’s what he said anyway. He was not at all receptive to having a conversation late at night after we’d had a few glasses of wine. Yet to me that was the perfect time.
All night long I just kept wondering if I could really be happy with someone who got angry when I tried to open up about my feelings, even if it wasn’t the best timing.
Don’t get me wrong, I mean he didn’t yell at me or say really mean things to me. He just didn’t really want to talk right then and made it more than obvious.
I told him I needed to talk to him. He initially said okay, but looked weary over it. I had to get it out of me though so I went for it. I knew I wasn’t going to make it through without crying. And cry I did. I told him that I felt like things between us have been off for the past few weeks. I said that I’ve been trying to figure out what caused the shift in our relationship and what I could do to fix it. But the truth was, I didn’t have any answers to either of those things. All I wanted was for our relationship to be normal again.
He replied that he couldn’t believe I was doing this right then when he had been drinking and was so tired. I closed myself off at that moment. I just went silent. I couldn’t even cry anymore, I was so shocked. There was silence. He attempted to give me a little of what I was looking for by telling me what he thought was wrong. I really couldn’t reply to any of it. I could not believe he wasn’t being more understanding about my need to have the conversation. He felt bad, I could tell. He wrapped his arms around me once it was clear the conversation was going nowhere and held me until he fell asleep.
I stayed up staring at the ceiling wondering if I was strong enough to leave the love of my life…