I didn’t sleep hardly at all that night. Morning came, and I just laid there. I wasn’t going to walk out. No one deserves to be walked out on. But I didn’t know how to face him. Eventually he got up, filled his water glass, and went to the bathroom. He came back to bed and tried to go back to sleep. Then I got up, went to the bathroom, and filled my water glass. When I got back to bed, I reached for my phone because I was done pretending to sleep. I was planning on checking in with the world to get my mind off things. Next thing I know, J’s head is in my lap. I didn’t know what to do, but I figured this was an apology gesture of some sort…or at the very least a sign of affection. So I absentmindedly rubbed his head while staring out the window.
After a little while, he told me that he was sorry about how he had acted the night before. I apologized for my bad timing, but said that I had just really needed to talk right then. He acknowledged that and said he understood where I was coming from.
We then proceeded to have the talk. We definitely didn’t right the world with our conversation. He said some painful things. He didn’t say them in a hurtful way. He said them in an honest way, which actually made them that much worse.
To sum it up, he thinks there’s been a problem since April. We had a big blowup that month, which really affected me and how I thought about our relationship. Essentially, he said ever since then I’ve been trying too hard to make things perfect, I walk on egg-shells around him like I think he’s going to break up with me at any time, and I get too easily stressed out and worried about silly little things. All true. Very, very true. He then went on to say that he has concerns about a long-term future with me because of these things. Yeah, I almost hid that part from you guys. But I’m trying to be more honest about the bad things in my life.
There was a long silence after that. I couldn’t say anything. My heart was breaking. I eventually told him that I didn’t know what to say…probably because everything he said was true. I said that I was really sad that he has such a hard time seeing a future with me. He quickly corrected me and said that he didn’t have a hard time seeing it…he just had some concerns, especially about how we would handle the big, stressful things in life.
The conversation went on for awhile. I told him that I think he has an issue with trying to make things perfect too…and that I wished we could hang out without any plans more often. I told him that sometimes I get stressed because he projects his stress on me. I said that I’ve had a hard time communicating with him lately, which means I keep all of my emotions inside…causing me to turn into a crazy person. He said he wants me to stop trying to do everything that I think he wants. He wants me to start planning some things for us that I want to do, regardless of whether or not I think he would like it. I honestly told him that it’s very hard for me because he’s such an opinionated person that he makes it obvious when he doesn’t want to do something. It feels like rejection to me when he makes a face at my ideas so I’ve stopped having an opinion on what we do. But we came to a tenuous agreement that I need to start mandating we do some of the things I want. I think I can do that. I also need to stop walking on eggshells around him. I’ve already decided not to plan another thing for awhile. It’s okay because we have some really busy weeks coming up. I think it will work out for the best this way. I’m also going to try hard to not think about our relationship too much. Does that sound weird? I’m going to try to concentrate on other things when we’re not together so I don’t obsess.
I don’t know. I feel like we finally had a good conversation about what is wrong with our relationship. I no longer feel like he is going to walk out on me. I mean, he wouldn’t have been making suggestions and talking about our summer plans if he was, right? He wouldn’t be annoyed about me thinking he’s constantly going to break up with me if was about to actually break up with me, right? I really don’t think so. I know that I need to get back to the person he fell for a year ago…the happy, confident girl who was relatively stress free and liked to have fun. I need to find her again. It’s not impossible. But it’s not like snapping my fingers either. It’s going to be a long journey to get there. I’m disappointed in that because it feels like we’ve taken a giant step backwards instead of forwards. If he has concerns about our future now then it’s going to take a lot of time and effort to allay those concerns. I wanted to be farther along as we hit our one year anniversary…
But I’m not going to give up. I’m going to give it all another shot. Because even though the above is probably making you wonder if this relationship is worth it, I know in my heart it is. I know he’s going to start trying harder because he thinks it’s worth it too. I can still remember all the good things about our relationship and I do not want to give that up. I can still be in love with that man even if he treated me a little poorly the night of the talk. He made up for it the next morning. Instead of shutting down, he gave me what I wanted…a chance to heal our relationship.
I need to remember that sometimes I have to let myself feel pain so that I can truly feel the happiness when it comes.
Actually, this sounds wonderful! You already *did* the thing that couples go through in longterm relationships: have an honest, painful conversation in which you did not deny his feelings & thoughts or respond defensively. The fact that you told him he had a point is itself a turning point because it shows that you’re willing to see things from his point of view, usually one of the biggest concern in relationships. It sounds like you both felt heard. THAT is the key to a happy, lifelong relationship, not one without conflict.
The thing that this butts up against for you (I recognized it immediately because I have the same exact sensitivity) is the fear of losing someone you love. This fear takes away our confidence because being so deeply in love makes us feel vulnerable. But he’s not going anywhere. He loves you, that is so clear from here.
One other thing — feeling how you feel is wonderful, in all its shitty glory. It’s when people run from their feelings that real problems come up: coping methods to distract from pain, I mean, that’s where drugs/overeating/overspending/etc. — things that alter how well one functions in everyday life — those people are running from their feelings with bad things that only temporarily soothe. It’s okay to cry and be hurt and even devastated for a little while and then hug yourself and say it will be okay. I’ve been practicing being kinder to myself for feeling shitty, not judging but instead welcoming the feelings. I mean, an exercise they say to do is to talk to the feeling, welcome it because it has a message for you that is important.
Goodness I just wrote a lot! That’s what you get for a lazy Sunday morning! haha
I know you’re in an awesome place now. I like your honest, open writing and so happy I found your blog.
Yes, you put it exactly right. I’m terrified of losing him. It’s definitely coming across in my interactions with him. And that of course just serves to push him away. I really need to learn to deal with that.
I know that I need to deal with the pain more often. I tend to close my feelings off and try not to think about them…which just leads to them festering and making me crazy.
Anyway, I’m glad you’ve been reading. Your blog lately has really been hitting home with me lately.
Honey… being able to talk about both of your concerns and issues, learning how to communicate them, that IS a big step forward!! If you can successfully work through them together, then that is an even bigger step forward. Issues are always going to come up in life and in relationships and it’s how we go about getting through them that is significant in building strong foundations. This is not a bad thing, it’s not bad that he has concerns or that you have concerns. It’s good. It would be bad if he said ha hadn’t even considered the possibility of a future with you, but that’s so obviously not the case.
Thanks for sharing this with us. I’m so glad you did, and don’t worry… we will never judge you, or J, or your relationship.
I think I have such a hard time talking about the bad stuff with J because I’m afraid that leaves him an opening to get out. It’s a product of a bad past relationship I’m sure. It’s funny, I said something like that to J. He asked when he has ever reacted poorly to me needing to talk (except for the night before obviously, lol). He is usually very understanding when I need to talk. But I just have that problem with thinking he’s going to leave me if I bring up anything bad. As you can see, I’m working on it!
Catching up on your posts and I’m so glad you had the talk and he was reallly honest withbyou too and uncovered some things to work on! Huge progress my friend!
Thank you! He’s actually been trying a lot harder to do the things I want to do. It’s pretty cute. I’ve obviously been trying too. I think we’re in a much better place now.
Can I ditto intrigueme? I think this is all a great step forward. I think most relationships go through this at some point. After you get into a coast comfortable mode you eventually hit bumps and you need to step back and evaluate how to move forward together. this is huge and I’m gladyou shared it with us. Keep letting it all out. You’ll feel better.
I felt so much better after we talked. I didn’t get exactly what I wanted immediately, but the weight being lifted off my shoulders was worth it. Now to keep staying open with him…
It doesn’t matter what we think. Period. It matters what you think and want and what he thinks and wants. Who gives a flying you-know-what what we think?! I’ve done things my blog friends didn’t approve of and I can assure you that I have quietly judged many a blog friend before too (though I hate to admit it). This is not one of those times. The fact that you both opened up and talked is awesome. The fact that he WANTS you to make plans that you want is awesome. Having never had that, despite desperately trying to make many a boyfriend understand that, makes me a tad jealous quite frankly. While you have every right to be upset and worried, I think you guys are on the right path. Not to be too corny, but you have hope now. That’s good!
Thank you for saying that. Sometimes I get a little too caught up in what other people think of me. Okay, whatever, more than sometimes. I get the jealousy thing. I sometimes feel that way when people talk about feeling so damn secure in a relationship. Hopefully you’ll have a great guy who does all those things for you very soon! And you’re right, hope is a very good thing…