So tell me this, why is that so hard to remember?  Or actually, I remember it often, but why is it so hard to accept?

I should be feeling lucky lately.  I have a pretty good life.  I should be focusing on living it to the fullest.

Yet…I keep getting caught up in the little stuff.  I keep stopping myself from being completely happy. 

Between hating work and being incredibly insecure in a new relationship, I can’t focus on anything else.  I really can’t.  I recognize this.  But I have yet to figure out how to change it. 

Fear of loss, insecurity in love, and feeling unfulfilled at work are the guiding forces in my life right now. 

I’m over-emotional and feel like crying a whole hell of a lot.  It does not make me a fun person to be around. 

I don’t know how to refocus in a genuine manner. 

My life is suffering because of it.

*sigh*

1. I’m well-traveled and always open to new experiences.

2. I have a fantastic relationship with my family.

3. I’m smart. 

4. I have a good job.

5. I have some great friendships.

6. I take pretty good care of my body.

7. I have an awesome apartment in a fab location. 

8. I’m funny. 

9. I have good communication skills.

10. I think I’m a pretty fun person to be around…

That list sucked balls.  I kind of cried writing it too.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Why can’t I remember what makes me so awesome?  Sorry for all the “woe is me” writing.  I’m struggling, and I can’t figure out why. 

I just want to be happy again.  I’m going out with some old friends today.  Hopefully that will make me feel better.  I’m supposed to meet up with the boy today too.  For some reason, I have a bad feeling about it.  Will keep you posted.

This is why I hate dating. 

I care too much about this guy. 

I hope I can get back into writing about it.

But for now, I feel like crying because I’m so scared.

It’s all due to Jackson. 

Who is Jackson, you ask?  Well, he’s a guy that I’ve gone on two dates with.  That’s right, I’m dating. 

What are you wondering now?  Maybe how do I feel about this guy?  Yeah, I’m wondering the same thing.

I genuinely like him.  I really do.  I find myself really wanting to be with him a lot of the time.  Yet, I’ve only seen him twice.  We’re having a bit of scheduling issue.  Mostly my fault. 

I’m being extremely cautious with this guy.  He is being extremely patient with me.  I hesitate to say too much because I want to figure things out on my own.

But I’ll say this, he has the things that have been missing with the past 5 guys I’ve dated: Intelligence (Zack and Alvin), common interests (Bear and Alvin), education/job (Zack and Alvin), emotional stability (I think) (Cali Boy and kind of Bear), solid family relationships (Cali Boy and the Ex), and consistent banter (Bear and Alvin).  Of course, he has other attractive attributes, but it’s the lack of the above red flags that are important to me right now.

There’s one other thing that he does for me.  I can’t really recall anyone else ever doing this in my life.  Maybe one other guy did a bit of it, but our volatile relationship drowned it out.  Even the Ex did not provide this thing for me.  I think he had the capability, but he was distracted by his familial dysfunction .  I’ve never had this so I never knew I was missing it.  You’re dying to know what this illusive trait is, aren’t ya?

He takes care of me. 

How simple is that?  But still, I’ve never had it.  Even my parents have always had a hard time taking care of me.  I wouldn’t let them.  I was buying all of my own clothes at age 16.  I really bought everything I needed except for dinner food.  This includes my college education.  I don’t think I necessarily had to.  However, they didn’t have a lot of money so I helped out in that way.  I think it was formative for me. 

I’ve always been independent.  It’s my way of separating myself from my sisters.  Sometimes I’m disgustingly independent.  I don’t let people take care of me.  I just don’t.  I pay for my fair share (or more) of dinner dates, drinks, and movies.  I hang all my pictures by myself and put my own Target furniture together.  I call the phone company when they are screwing me.  I figure out solutions to complex problems.  I know how to get things done.  I’m pretty sure my dad is insanely proud of this.  Maybe that’s why I keep doing it.

But Jackson doesn’t allow it.  So far at least. 

He has paid for everything since we met, but not in a show-off way.  That may not sound like a lot to some of you, but it usually makes me very uncomfortable.  Especially since dinner the other night had to be over three figures.  He always plans everything out while at the same time asking for my input and giving me choices.  I’m used to being the planner.  It makes me feel really special to have things all planned out for us.  There are also various other little things he does which shows that he’s really looking out for me.

The kicker though?  He was angry about something that I recently went through.  Not a huge deal, but very frustrating.  So he took care of it for me.  He told me he was going to.  I didn’t fully believe him.  But he did.  I haven’t really stopped smiling yet.  He took care of me. 

I truly believe I’ve found the one thing that has made all my past relationships fail.  Men usually let me do whatever I want, and I end up taking complete control of the situation.  Eventually this ends up annoying the heck out of me.  It feels good to let someone else take the lead for once.

I’m not saying I will definitely end up with Jackson.  But at the very least, he has shown me what I need from a man.  He’s someone I can depend on…

I had one on Sunday. It still gives me tingles. It was incredible. I want more and more and more. Yet…I just don’t know if I could ever love this guy. He’s a little too sure of himself. But man oh man, is he dreamy. He’s tall, dark, and oh so very handsome (IMO). Mmmmm. Sorry everyone, I’ll stop drooling now.

I wish he had been a little different personality-wise. Not a lot different. I did enjoy his company for the most part. It’s just that once he sneakily determined that I enjoy the horizontal (and sometimes vertical) tango, he would not stop with the innuendos. He talked about sex a lot. Like A LOT. On the first date. Not exactly my usual type when I’m searching for the love of my life. Yes, it’s 100% my usual type when I connect with guys as friends. But I want the guy I’m dating to charm me in the beginning, not seduce me.

Mmmmm, but that kiss…damn.

He’s taken it so well in fact that there could only be two explanations.  1) He didn’t really like me that much in the first place and realized I was right.  OR  2) He was trying super hard to make me think he was fine.

Which do you think it ended up being?

It was the latter.

At first I was all, “Oh, I totally misread his feelings for me.”  Then I was all, “Oh, well he is kind of a simple man…maybe he just gets over things quickly.”  (I know, that wasn’t nice.)  I honestly thought there wouldn’t be any drama.  It was over just like that in my mind.  So I moved on.

I should have known.  Apparently boys deal with heartbreak differently.  I deal with it by closing myself off to the outside world.  No texts, emails, phone calls, or facebook updates.  Many girls I know deal with it by airing all of the heartbreak to anyone who will listen.  Those are the only two extremes that I’m familiar with.  So I didn’t think anything of it when things went back to exactly how they were before we starting seeing each other. 

But Sunday night, exactly a week after he left my apartment, he sent me a FB message.  It was actually very sad to read.  It seemed like he was in denial that we broke it off.  He started off by wishing me well and mentioning something my sister put on facebook about a tornado in MA. 

Then he said this, “I know we said we were going to take time off but I wanted to write to just say hi and to apologize again for not being more careful and sensitive about what I put out on Facebook. You shouldn’t feel bad about anything that happened last weekend.”

As background, one of my reasons for breaking it off is that he seemed to be telling my entire hometown that we were dating.  They were all starting to think I was his girlfriend.  A small part of this was through things he put on FB.  This was not my main reason.  I touched on it for maybe 2 seconds.  Yet I’m afraid he thinks if he stops putting certain things on FB then it will be all better.

He went on to say that he still really likes me, I make him feel special, I’m so amazing.  Still not feeling it…

He ended the message with this, “I don’t want to force us into anything before the time is right. If that means stepping back from things than that is good with me. I would rather do that and start again than to move too fast through things. If it means going back to more messages on Facebook than texts that is ok.”

I feel like when I ended things I was pretty clear about having ZERO communication for at least a month.  And then maybe we can be friends after that.  I never gave messages on FB as an option.  I also never made this out to be just a temporary break due to the timing being wrong.  I did say we could have contact again after a month, but I didn’t say we would start dating again.  I don’t think he was listening to me at all. 

So what do I do now?  I don’t want to be mean, but I also don’t want to mislead him.  Do I ignore this message?  Or do I reply back and be a little harsh to try and make him understand?

I did not do it perfectly.  Probably not even by a long shot.  But I did it.

I had a difficult talk with Zack and told him we needed to cool things off quite a bit.  I didn’t close the door all the way even though I should have.  Still, I’m a teensy bit proud of the fact that I did it at all.  I typically like to avoid confrontation at all cost.

I probably couldn’t have done it without your support.  You guys helped me through it.  Whenever I started to falter, your words and encouragement popped into my head.  So thank you for giving me tough love and inspiring me to look deep down into my heart even if that meant I would end up alone. 

The hardest part was that he was so nice about.  To the point that he was apologizing to me.  I feel like absolute scum.  I never should have given him hope that we had a future.  I shouldn’t have given myself hope either, but that’s not the point.  Zack is a truly great guy who deserves a wonderful relationship.  But that relationship is not with me.  It will never be with me.  I should have known that from the beginning.

There are many things that irritated me about him this weekend.  If I had to pinpoint one main thing that I absolutely cannot get past, it is the intelligence factor (combined with lack of culture and motivation).  It’s not that he doesn’t have a college education.  Really, it’s not.  It’s that he hasn’t read a book…ever?  It’s that he has never traveled outside of this country with zero aspirations to do so.  It’s that he’s in a job below middle management with no great hopes to move up.  It’s that he says “don’t” instead of “doesn’t” and “nothing” instead of “anything.”  (Think this sentence: “That don’t matter.” Or this one: “It don’t meant nothing.”)  He sounds perfectly fine through written word, but he cannot clearly articulate ideas.  I feel badly for him.  And I am utterly ashamed to say I can’t get past it.  Yet intelligence is on my list.  I shouldn’t have compromised. 

I feel kind of empty now.  A little bit like I broke my own heart.  I cried both Sunday and Monday night of last week.  I watched movies where the main characters fell in love, and I just sobbed.  I flipped past every love song that came on my iPod.  It’s not that I miss him.  But I miss having someone to think about.  I miss the possibility of a future with someone.  Now it’s just me again.  On my own.  Just me. 

Ya know, that is how I wanted it.  Now I don’t have to worry about anyone else other than my family and friends.  I don’t have to compromise for anyone.  I can do whatever I want.  That all can be a bad thing for a lot of people, I know.  But for me?  Right now?  It’s a good thing.  It’s just scary.  I am contemplating the possibility that that I’m not meant for anyone anymore.  I may end up living the rest of my life with no one right by my side.

I have made the hard decision that I would rather be by myself than be with someone who isn’t the absolute-no-questions-asked love of my life.  The shit of it is that I know what true love feels like so I am even less likely to “settle.”  Two of the past three guys I’ve dated would have been perfectly acceptable to me 6 years ago.  Now all these years later, I know what love really means.  And those guys weren’t it.  I have experience that gives me perspective.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t.  I’d be married with babies by now if I didn’t.

I just want to feel that love again…so badly.  I want to be in love.  But I’m really not sure it will ever happen for me.  I had my one great love that quite frankly may never end from my side.  True love never ends.  I stopped hoping for him and planning my future around him 1.5 years ago.  I’ve even stopped thinking about him and missing him for the most part.  But I didn’t stop loving him.

Annnnnnyway, I get it.  Maybe I need some time off, biological clock be damned.  Maybe I should wait until my 30^th birthday.  That thought scares the shit out of me.  30 means that I am that much closer to being the age that no longer allows for babies.  I want a baby.  But first I want to date, fall in love, get engaged, get married, and enjoy being married.  There’s not a lot of time left for all of that without hurrying it along.  It just might not happen for me. 

So maybe I should casually date JUST FOR FUN until November at least.  No pressure on myself to find a relationship.  Just maybe some fun first kisses and flirting.  I adore that stuff.  It’s always around the 3 month mark that my adoration for a guy takes a nosedive.  What will happen if I don’t even consider the fact that it could last that long.  I’ll have fun.  Of course there’s always a slight chance I’ll fall for one of the guys.  I just won’t count on it or even hope for it.  Huh, not even hope.  That’s a new one for me.  Hmmmm…this could be the plan for me.  I suppose it could also backfire spectacularly. 

Thoughts?

I don’t know if I want to spend 72 hours with this person next weekend.

I don’t know if I want my entire hometown to know we’re “seeing each other.”

I don’t know if I can handle being the bitch if this doesn’t work out.

I don’t know if I can give up on something that could be right in the end.

I don’t know how to talk to anyone about my feelings anymore. 

I don’t know what I need to do.

I hope you are doing well.  I know that sounds trite, but I really mean it.  I wish for you to have great happiness in life.  I have a feeling that you are not doing so well these days.  I don’t know this for sure, but I have seen some signs pointing to that conclusion.  It makes me so sad.

I realize we haven’t spoken much in the last decade.  I will take full responsibility for that.  I know you tried a handful of times to rekindle the friendship.  Instead you received a less than half-hearted reply from a selfish girl who was uncomfortable with anything to do with her hometown.  I should have tried harder.  I shouldn’t have given up on our relationship.  I am very sorry.

The end of high school wasn’t fun for me.  I have so many regrets.  They say you shouldn’t have regrets, right?  But if I had just done so many things differently when I was 17, I am positive I would have a tight group of girlfriends right now.  Do you remember what we had before I turned that fateful age?  God, do you remember the fun we had together?  Of all the houses that I ever slumber-partied in, yours was my favorite.  Your dad’s house will always be the one I go back to in my memories of growing up. 

How many times did we watch the Chucky movies?  Or Village of the Damned?  What about Wes Craven’s New Nightmare?  What was it about those scary movies?  We loved them.  Remember all the dances we went to?  The football games?  The notes we passed?  Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies?  Ski trips for New Year’s?  Volleyball and softball practice?  Dancing around the locker room?  Aerosmith???  Our group of girls was pretty much inseparable.  It was always the 6 of us back.  You were all probably the 5 closest friends that I’ve ever had.  What I wouldn’t give to have that back. 

You and James were my two closest friends and sometimes we had slumber parties without the rest of them.  I’ll never forget the time we tried to make chocolate chip cookies without a recipe.  We were 14 or 15 at the time so none of us had much experience in the kitchen.  Somehow we ended up with green muffiny-looking cookies.  We laughed so hard that day.  Of course we couldn’t eat them so we decided to give them away.  Since we couldn’t drive a car, the three of us all hopped on your dad’s riding lawnmower to drive 3 miles to Clem’s house.  And this tiny little thundercloud followed us the entire way.  Funny the things I remember.  It was one of my favorite days.

You were always such a happy girl.  It seemed like nothing could ever get you down.  You were just the nicest person too, always complimenting everyone and making friends with the outcasts.  You once told me I walked down the hall like a model on a runway.  I have always treasured that comment, and I think about it a lot since I’ve lost my self-confidence.  It was so great to see you over Christmas.  We had a lot of fun together just like we never left off.  You were one of my best friends 13 years ago.  I miss your energy, humor, and candor.  I just miss having you in my life.

So girl, here’s where we get to the serious part.  Please end your relationship with B.  I know, I know.  You don’t have to tell me about small town scandal.  To leave someone that you’ve lived with for over 7 years would be perceived as the most shameful thing in our hometown.  You’ll lose a lot of people you thought you could count on.  I also know that it will be hard to leave such a nice guy.  Because B is truly a good guy.  I wanted to hate him the last time we hung out, but I couldn’t.  I genuinely like him.  But this is about you and your happiness.  He’s not going to ever give you that romantic proposal you’ve been longing for.  He’s not going to marry you and give you babies.  Living together makes him think he’s committed to you.  Sweetie, he’s not.  You are his roommate.  You will never be anything more at this point.  He can’t make you happy.

And if you even bring up the fact that he can’t pay the mortgage without you, I will kick your butt.  He can pay it.  I know he can.  Don’t let him become dependent on you when he can’t even begin to give you what you need.  You’re miserable in that house with him. 

I’m not trying to be mean here.  I’m just trying to tell you that you deserve so much more.  There is a life beyond that small-minded, Midwestern town.  There is a world where you can live outside of everyone’s expectations.  You could date multiple guys or find a career that you love or follow a passion for traveling.  You could do anything.  There are no restrictions to the kind of life you could lead.

Bunny, listen to me.  You were meant for more.  Don’t settle for this life that is stifling you.  Please don’t.  It breaks my heart to think about how much potential you have.  Your spark is being extinguished in that place with that man.  You deserve so much more.

So here’s the thing.  I want to be there for you.  I want to be close again.  We grew up together.  Nothing trumps that except family.  I will stand by you during the times that you are hurting and want to die.  I will let you lean on me and cry until there’s nothing left.  I will watch sad movies with you until 2 am.  I will pick you up off the floor every time you fall down.  I will push you out the door when you can’t bear facing the outside world.  I will get drunk with you and flirt inappropriately with all sorts of men.  I will help you find happiness again.  And I will celebrate with you when you finally make it through the darkness. 

I will be there for you.  Promise, cross my heart.

Love you, Bunny girl.

XOXO,

T

Thoughts run through my head on a continuous loop…

Am I being too loud?  Too quiet?  Am I sharing too much?  Too little?  Am I laughing too boisterously?  Is my smile fake?  Do I have something in my teeth?  What if something’s stuck to my butt?  Do my thighs look huge?  Do I have a hole in my shirt?  Am I showing too much cleavage?  Is my zipper undone?  Did I remember to put pants on?  Is my hair sticking straight up?  Does it look frizztastic?  Is my eye makeup smeared?  Do I smell like I’ve been sweating?  Can they smell my breath?  Why can’t I think of anything to say?  Am I entertaining enough to be invited out again?  Am I boring everyone to tears?  Are those fake laughs that I just heard?  Did I just say something totally stupid?  Am I drinking too much?  Am I one-upping everyone?  I should just shut up and smile pretty.  God, I really want to be home in my pajamas.

It’s ridiculous when I read all of that back to myself.  Yet, it’s a very genuine line of thinking for me right now.  I am struggling with feeling good enough in social situations.  Those insecure feelings are making me panic.  Maybe I should live a solitaire life.  Would going back to my pre-2011 hermit lifestyle really be that bad?  If I withdrew from the world, I wouldn’t have to worry about pleasing others or looking like a fool.  I could breathe easier and be comfortable in my skin again.  

Maybe this is a breakthrough for me.  If I can become comfortable with people again then maybe the strong urge to be a loner would fade away.  Easier said than done.  How do I even begin? 

And…sorry…not to be self-pitying…but what if it is true that I am simply just not good enough?