I don’t know.

Right now I am so confused about life and love.  I hate this feeling.  Everything is spiraling out of my control.  It’s just too much. 

I don’t know if I want to spend 72 hours with this person next weekend.

I don’t know if I want my entire hometown to know we’re “seeing each other.”

I don’t know if I can handle being the bitch if this doesn’t work out.

I don’t know if I can give up on something that could be right in the end.

I don’t know how to talk to anyone about my feelings anymore. 

I don’t know what I need to do.

A letter to my friend.

Dear Bunny,

I hope you are doing well.  I know that sounds trite, but I really mean it.  I wish for you to have great happiness in life.  I have a feeling that you are not doing so well these days.  I don’t know this for sure, but I have seen some signs pointing to that conclusion.  It makes me so sad.

I realize we haven’t spoken much in the last decade.  I will take full responsibility for that.  I know you tried a handful of times to rekindle the friendship.  Instead you received a less than half-hearted reply from a selfish girl who was uncomfortable with anything to do with her hometown.  I should have tried harder.  I shouldn’t have given up on our relationship.  I am very sorry.

The end of high school wasn’t fun for me.  I have so many regrets.  They say you shouldn’t have regrets, right?  But if I had just done so many things differently when I was 17, I am positive I would have a tight group of girlfriends right now.  Do you remember what we had before I turned that fateful age?  God, do you remember the fun we had together?  Of all the houses that I ever slumber-partied in, yours was my favorite.  Your dad’s house will always be the one I go back to in my memories of growing up. 

How many times did we watch the Chucky movies?  Or Village of the Damned?  What about Wes Craven’s New Nightmare?  What was it about those scary movies?  We loved them.  Remember all the dances we went to?  The football games?  The notes we passed?  Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies?  Ski trips for New Year’s?  Volleyball and softball practice?  Dancing around the locker room?  Aerosmith???  Our group of girls was pretty much inseparable.  It was always the 6 of us back.  You were all probably the 5 closest friends that I’ve ever had.  What I wouldn’t give to have that back. 

You and James were my two closest friends and sometimes we had slumber parties without the rest of them.  I’ll never forget the time we tried to make chocolate chip cookies without a recipe.  We were 14 or 15 at the time so none of us had much experience in the kitchen.  Somehow we ended up with green muffiny-looking cookies.  We laughed so hard that day.  Of course we couldn’t eat them so we decided to give them away.  Since we couldn’t drive a car, the three of us all hopped on your dad’s riding lawnmower to drive 3 miles to Clem’s house.  And this tiny little thundercloud followed us the entire way.  Funny the things I remember.  It was one of my favorite days.

You were always such a happy girl.  It seemed like nothing could ever get you down.  You were just the nicest person too, always complimenting everyone and making friends with the outcasts.  You once told me I walked down the hall like a model on a runway.  I have always treasured that comment, and I think about it a lot since I’ve lost my self-confidence.  It was so great to see you over Christmas.  We had a lot of fun together just like we never left off.  You were one of my best friends 13 years ago.  I miss your energy, humor, and candor.  I just miss having you in my life.

So girl, here’s where we get to the serious part.  Please end your relationship with B.  I know, I know.  You don’t have to tell me about small town scandal.  To leave someone that you’ve lived with for over 7 years would be perceived as the most shameful thing in our hometown.  You’ll lose a lot of people you thought you could count on.  I also know that it will be hard to leave such a nice guy.  Because B is truly a good guy.  I wanted to hate him the last time we hung out, but I couldn’t.  I genuinely like him.  But this is about you and your happiness.  He’s not going to ever give you that romantic proposal you’ve been longing for.  He’s not going to marry you and give you babies.  Living together makes him think he’s committed to you.  Sweetie, he’s not.  You are his roommate.  You will never be anything more at this point.  He can’t make you happy.

And if you even bring up the fact that he can’t pay the mortgage without you, I will kick your butt.  He can pay it.  I know he can.  Don’t let him become dependent on you when he can’t even begin to give you what you need.  You’re miserable in that house with him. 

I’m not trying to be mean here.  I’m just trying to tell you that you deserve so much more.  There is a life beyond that small-minded, Midwestern town.  There is a world where you can live outside of everyone’s expectations.  You could date multiple guys or find a career that you love or follow a passion for traveling.  You could do anything.  There are no restrictions to the kind of life you could lead.

Bunny, listen to me.  You were meant for more.  Don’t settle for this life that is stifling you.  Please don’t.  It breaks my heart to think about how much potential you have.  Your spark is being extinguished in that place with that man.  You deserve so much more.

So here’s the thing.  I want to be there for you.  I want to be close again.  We grew up together.  Nothing trumps that except family.  I will stand by you during the times that you are hurting and want to die.  I will let you lean on me and cry until there’s nothing left.  I will watch sad movies with you until 2 am.  I will pick you up off the floor every time you fall down.  I will push you out the door when you can’t bear facing the outside world.  I will get drunk with you and flirt inappropriately with all sorts of men.  I will help you find happiness again.  And I will celebrate with you when you finally make it through the darkness. 

I will be there for you.  Promise, cross my heart.

Love you, Bunny girl.

XOXO,

T

On insecurity.

I rarely consider myself an insecure person.  I am generally pretty confident in who I am.  But lately I’ve been questioning myself.  Sometimes I just don’t like me or how I act in certain situations. 

Thoughts run through my head on a continuous loop…

Am I being too loud?  Too quiet?  Am I sharing too much?  Too little?  Am I laughing too boisterously?  Is my smile fake?  Do I have something in my teeth?  What if something’s stuck to my butt?  Do my thighs look huge?  Do I have a hole in my shirt?  Am I showing too much cleavage?  Is my zipper undone?  Did I remember to put pants on?  Is my hair sticking straight up?  Does it look frizztastic?  Is my eye makeup smeared?  Do I smell like I’ve been sweating?  Can they smell my breath?  Why can’t I think of anything to say?  Am I entertaining enough to be invited out again?  Am I boring everyone to tears?  Are those fake laughs that I just heard?  Did I just say something totally stupid?  Am I drinking too much?  Am I one-upping everyone?  I should just shut up and smile pretty.  God, I really want to be home in my pajamas.

It’s ridiculous when I read all of that back to myself.  Yet, it’s a very genuine line of thinking for me right now.  I am struggling with feeling good enough in social situations.  Those insecure feelings are making me panic.  Maybe I should live a solitaire life.  Would going back to my pre-2011 hermit lifestyle really be that bad?  If I withdrew from the world, I wouldn’t have to worry about pleasing others or looking like a fool.  I could breathe easier and be comfortable in my skin again.  

Maybe this is a breakthrough for me.  If I can become comfortable with people again then maybe the strong urge to be a loner would fade away.  Easier said than done.  How do I even begin? 

And…sorry…not to be self-pitying…but what if it is true that I am simply just not good enough?

Family Feud: Round 1

There is a lot of drama in my family right now.  On both sides of my extended family.  It’s not my immediate family that’s the prob.  We’re cool. 

Let me start with the one that is bothering me the most even if it is the smaller issue.  It’s Cousin.  You know, the girl that I absolutely worship.  I am extremely irritated with her right now, and I am trying desperately to find it in my heart to move past this so we can go on as normal.

As background, my extended family on my mom’s side has always been very tight.  We’ve had a big family get-together at every single Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas for my entire life.  The only people who have ever missed a family holiday are those that are forced to go to their in-laws (because no one actually chooses that over my fam!) or those that live too far away (such as KC or Mass).  These family events are always held at my grandparents’ house.  It means a lot to them.  They are 86 years old.  We have been blessed thus far that neither have had any huge physical or mental issues. 

So fast forward a bit to a year and a half ago.  Cousin was in the process of getting a divorce.  She was upset and tried to get out of coming to Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It was quite the drama.  She won on Thanksgiving and her immediate family had their own dinner without inviting the rest of us.  It hurt a lot of people.  But no one ever misses our annual Christmas traditions so my grandma begged me to call up Cousin and ask her to please come.  I did (because I’m an underappreciated doormat).  And she did show up.  The following April, Cousin’s divorce had just gone through.  She again was distraught and didn’t want to come to Easter.  So she convinced her immediate family to skip out on Easter with the rest of us and go to the beach instead.  Again, a lot of people were hurt.

Now these are selfish things in my opinion.  However.  I could get past them because of her divorce.  I get that she was upset and it was hard to face everyone.  I can dig down deep and understand.  I don’t agree with her.  She really hurt my grandparents by not coming.  More on them later. 

Fast forward again to this past Easter.  Cousin decided that she just didn’t want to come.  She wanted to stay home by herself.  She didn’t have any other plans.  The rest of her family came without her.  She.just.stayed.home.  She responded to something I wrote on FB that she was just too busy.  She coaches a sports team, she didn’t have Monday off, she is running a half marathon next weekend, blah, blah, fucking blah.  She tried to convince me she always gets sick when she pushes herself too hard.  It didn’t ring true to me.  First of all, she just had spring break as a teacher…a full week off doing absolutely nothing.  Gosh, poor thing.  Second of all, I had been busy traveling for 17 days straight.  She is not busier than I am yet I made time for my family.  Last of all, she lives about 45 minutes away from my grandparents while I live 2.5 hours.  Dude, I can’t even write this without seething. 

Now onwards to my grandparents.  Like I said, they are 86 years old.  We have been incredibly lucky so far that they are still able to walk around and can remember our names.  We might not be that lucky for much longer.  It’s heartbreakingly sad for me to think about, but it’s true.  We need to cherish the time we have together and be there for them at what is likely the end of their lives.  My grandparents were really like a second set of parents to us grandkids growing up.  They never missed a sporting event, school play, or dance recital.  They went to them all.  My grandma didn’t work so if we got sick at school, she was the one to pick us up and take care of us.  They opened their house for anyone to use for doing laundry during everyone’s college years.  They hosted countless sleepovers and dinners for us grandkids.  In short, they have gone above and beyond for each one of their grandkids.  And they have gotten very little in return.  All they really ask for is to see us all once in awhile.  They never see Cousin anymore.  But here’s the kicker that makes me want to shake someone really hard.  She’s still their favorite – the perfect little angel.  And I’m still the rogue one – the bad influence.  What. The. Fuck.

She is being a very selfish person right now.  You can tell me that maybe I don’t know the whole story.  But really, I do.  I know more than anyone else.  She simply couldn’t suck it up to spend 4 hours with her family on an important holiday.  I am finding it extremely hard to get past this. 

I love her.  She’s like a sister to me.  But it’s hard for me to want to make time in my legitimately jam packed schedule for someone who cares so little for other people.  She’s asked me to do just that.  She wants me to come visit her in late May.  Part of me wants to give the same lame excuse she did that I don’t want to give up my only free weekend in May.  Part of me wants to confront her about hurting so many people on four separate occasions.  Yet I know deep down in my heart doing either of those two would permanently damage our relationship.  And so a small part of me just wants to forget about everything and go visit her knowing that it would be a blast (in a glass) to hang out with her.  I miss her. 

She’s just making it hard to care.

Writing this took a lot out of me.  I’m kind of emotionally drained.  I’m going to save the rest of the family drama for another day.

An unexpected benefit of blogging.

Note: This was written before I read Shannon and IntrigueMe’s posts so all thoughts are original without outside influence. 

This past weekend was wild, wasn’t it?  There was the royal wedding and the death of Osama Bin Laden, plus a shooting in my hometown.  It feels like everyone has been glued to the news all weekend.

But not me!  In fact, I should probably catch up on the news so I don’t feel like such an ignorant fool.

I spent the weekend in Seattle doing several things I’ve never done before. 

The first and most important one is that I got the awesome opportunity to spend the weekend with IntrigueMe.  I will try not to rub this in too much as I know some of you might be insanely jealous.  With good reason.  It’s funny, I hadn’t really been nervous about it until I actually got to the airport.  Then it hit me pretty hard what I was really doing…dropping lots of money to spend a short weekend in the same hotel room with a virtual stranger who I met on the internet.  My IRL friends and family would think I was insane.  That’s why they don’t really get to know. 

But let me tell you, the level of awkwardness in meeting IntrigueMe for the first time was almost nonexistent.  Sure, there was a tiny bit as we met in the hallway of the hotel for the first time and then a tiny bit more as I was making myself at home in the room.  But I would say it was less than 5 minutes of nervous smiling and laughter.  After that, it was totally awesome.  Seriously, it felt to me like we had been IRL friends for awhile. 

I’m not going to go into all of the details of what we did, said, wore, or ate.  A brief re-cap is that we ate a delicious breakfast at Lola, went shopping at Pike Place Market, hung out in the hotel room quite a bit (got a lot of flack from INRIS about this, but I feel like it was great bonding time), drank wine and rum, laughed a lot, and went to an amazing Italian restaurant and burlesque show at the Pink Door.  On my own I also went up in the Space Needle and did a duck tour of Seattle. 

The thing I really want you to know is that we had a great time.  We talked a lot about relationships both past, present, and future.  We laughed a ton.  This line will forever make me giggle out loud: “Oh my god, there’s poop.”  I almost cried from laughing.  Quite simply put, we bonded.  By the end of the weekend, it really did feel like we were old friends.  I know for certain that I will see IntrigueMe again.  We already have tentative plans for 3-4 other times in the next year. 

IntrigueMe is quite lovely.  She’s got a mean sense of style, a super cute accent, an infectious laugh, and is all around adorable.  I am very much looking forward to hanging out again! 

Did I forget to mention that IntrigueMe brought two of her IRL friends along?  Well she did, and they were charming.  It takes some pretty great friends to not bat an eye at a blogger meetup.  So across the hallway from our room were M and Ghostbuster.  They were pretty fab across-the-hall mates.  I feel like they both really went out of their way to make me feel comfortable.  They showed interest in me by asking a lot of questions.  They laughed at my jokes (instant love).  They were considerate, warm, super cool, and wicked funny.  I forgot to mention that they are also in a relationship.  It was quite refreshing and inspiring to see.  I want that kind of relationship with a significant other someday.  They were respectful of each other, they used adorable little endearments, they were affectionate without making others uncomfortable, and they were so authentic.  It didn’t seem like they were all caught up in the other person to the point of forgetting about everything else in life.  They were more caught up in building a relationship while still staying interested in the outside world.  It was like their relationship was enhancing their life not becoming their life.  Eh, I may have no idea what I’m talking about.  But I do know that I want that in my life eventually.

Moving on…  There’s still lots more!  The next player in the scene was the blog-famous and extremely popular INRIS.  He took time out of his busy schedule to meet up with us on both Friday night and most of the day Saturday.  Again, don’t be jealous!  I’d say his best trait is his ability to put up with all of our girly laughter and gossip.    There were times I’m sure he was shaking his head at us.  He’s also unbelievably intelligent and a superb conversationalist.  I got the opportunity to learn a quite a bit more about his life and am looking forward to catching up on his blog.  I am fairly certain I will meet up with INRIS again, and I am looking forward to it.  Also, don’t ever believe the title of this blog!    Eh, I guess the weather was pretty fab most of the time!

And last of all, there’s Shannon.  This one was a pleasant surprise.  So apparently there’s this thing called Skype, where you can actually see someone while talking to them…all for free!  I don’t have Skype because I had a really bad experience with that company.  I also abhor talking on the phone.  It makes me irrationally nervous.  Then add in the fact that people can see me in all my nervous tick glory, and it causes my heart rate to skyrocket.  And I can’t control my constant giggling.  But I digress. 

We signed into Skype as a big group, including me, IntrigueMe, INRIS, M, and Ghostbuster.  We then waited impatiently for Shannon and Jobo to get online.  Finally we got Shannon online with the added bonus of Hardscape and Bear!  So much fun!  It is really amazing to finally talk to the people who you have been following for over a year.  I pictured Shannon as kind of shy, but she’s not at all.  She’s really outgoing, friendly, and cute as a button!  Apparently she pictured me as much more talkative, but I was a bit nervous and shy.  I haven’t talked to Shannon nearly as much outside of the blog as I have IntrigueMe.  I was also possibly a tad bit tipsy.  Next time I will be better, I promise!

It was pretty great to have the chance to see her interact with Hardscape and Bear.  The dynamic those three have is nothing short of awesome.  We of course talked to Shannon quite a bit.  We heard updates on her life and the interactions she has had with other bloggers.  But we also got to *cheers* Bear because she wanted to be a part of the party.  She was so excited to be talking to us.  Bear is adorable, sweet, and full of energy.  I can just tell she’s going to grow up to be an amazing adult. 

And we got some alone time with Hardscape (love him!) where we teased him and he joked with us right back.  I love the relationship Shannon and Hardscape have.  It’s so down to earth and genuine.  They don’t seem to have any secrets from each other and their trust level is sky high.  They respect each other, have fun together, and just plain love one another.  Between the two of them and M and Ghostbuster, I have an even better idea of the kind of relationship I aspire for. 

Jobo – we were dying for you to sign onto Skype!  IntrigueMe is trying to convince me I need to get it so we can do group chats.  I must admit that it does sound appealing.

And that was my weekend full of other bloggers.  I’m a little blown away that I put myself out there like that.  But I am so happy that I did.  It was one of the best experiences I’ve had to date.  I hope to meet many more of you in the future.  Email me at thisbrokenhearthashope (at) gmail (dot) com if you agree and want to set something up! 

Holy Stress Balls

I know, I know, I haven’t been around these parts much lately.  But I ask you to affectionately give me a break.  I have hardly had time to breathe since April started. 

Guess what.  May’s looking to be much of the same.  Almost all I want right now is to spend an entire blissful day catching up on DVR and eating junk food.  OMG, I almost cried writing that sentence.  I want it really badly. 

I’ll share with you some randoms because those are fun (and I don’t want you to forget about me).

• I am in an airport right now waiting for a flight to go see IntrigueMe.  It’s kind of just now hitting me what I’m actually doing.  Not only am I going to meet a virtual stranger, but I am going to be spending the ENTIRE weekend with her.  Um, I even think we’ll be sleeping in the same bed.  Awkward?  Maybe only if I try to snuggle with her.  So here I am in this airport, stressing that she won’t like me, with more than one tiara in my carry on bag.  Don’t ask.  Just stay tuned for pictures. 
• I have some things brewing on the job front.  Also, my boss is truly an amazingly supportive manager.  He’s the best.  If/when I leave him, it will be the only thing that I’ll truly miss about my current job.  Good Lord, I almost teared up again.  What?  What’s that you ask?  Oh.  Why yes, I am in fact going to start my period in a few days.
• I have emails from several of you out there that I need to reply to.  It’s eating away at me that I haven’t yet.  But the longer I wait, the more difficult it is for me to reply.  I think I need to take a class on how to stay in better contact with people.  Why do I struggle so much with this?  It bothers me and stresses me out near constantly.
• Over Easter weekend I had the most fun ever playing outside.  The best part was playing on the swings with my brother, bro-in-law, and sister.  Oh yeah, my niece and nephew too.    The most hilarious picture in my head is my big, burly brother swinging away on this wooden swing that was really high up off the ground.  He looked like a redneck Tweety Bird.  And then my 35 year old bro-in-law decided to do an underdog with him.  Guess you had to be there.  I was laughing so hard.  Much fun.
• I am very angry at Cousin right now.  I am really hoping to find peace with her selfish choices in life.  But right now, I want nothing to do with her.  It’s hard because I love her and have so much fun with her.  She just needs to realize that this world does not revolve around her.  Possibly more on this later.
• Zack used the “girlfriend” word.  Oh man.  Well, he didn’t use the exact word.  He said “gf”…and I guess he didn’t really say it.  He texted it.  Apparently his coworker was teasing him about visiting his gf.  I can’t even write that without feeling like I’m going to throw up.  It’s not Zack.  Honest to goodness, I really like him.  It’s the word.  It’s like if you’ve been starving for soooo long that pretty soon the hunger goes away.  Or if you’re running and it’s really sucking, but suddenly you hit the runner’s high and you’re fine.  I’ve been single and wanted a truly committed relationship for so long.  But now that I’ve been on my own for awhile, I kind of really like it.  And the word makes me want to run far away.  *sigh*  Can I move past this weird stage in my life?

Okay, that’s it for now.  My life begins to incrementally slow down starting next week.  I’ll be back in the swing of things soon enough.  I hope you all are doing wonderfully.  I miss you.  XOXO.

Remember me.

Lately I’ve been having dreams about my exes.  Well just two of them really.  Hunter and the EX.  I hate the dreams.  Why can’t my subconscious just forget about them and let me move on?  I wonder if it’s because I’m lonely and want to be in a relationship again. 

Last night, my dream of the EX was that I kept seeing him everywhere.  He was trying to avoid me, and I was trying to avoid him.  But our eyes kept meeting in crowded places.  I don’t think the meaning of this dream is hard to discern.  It’s clear to me that I fear running into him again.  In the dream I just felt so much anger and resentment.  I know that is how I’ll feel in real life if we ever meet again.  I also had this vague notion that he had another girl with him, but I was doing everything I could not to confirm that fact.  This dream could have come to light because I just deleted most of his friends on my FB.  I know, almost 16 months after the fact.  I had most of them hidden from myself so I couldn’t see if he posted comments on their status.  But it was time to clean them out.  It was hard.  I saw his profile picture several times as I was hitting the “unfriend” button.  I never want to see that face again.  I let two of his friends stay on my friend list.  I know they have to go eventually.  I’ll never see them again.  But I just couldn’t do it right now.  They are a couple whose wedding I attended.  They were our couple friends, and I miss them.  They live in Amsterdam now.  I think I am keeping them because they are expecting a baby soon.  I just want to know when it happens.  I’m holding onto to something I shouldn’t be.

I also had a dream last night about Hunter.  This one actually made me even more upset.  I can’t remember the exact details of my dream, but I know we were in love again.  And again, it wasn’t working out for us.  We kept trying to make it work, but it wouldn’t.  The truth is I really miss him.  He screwed up my life pretty badly, but he was also my first love.  We dated for 3 years and spent so much time together.  We discovered ourselves together and all of that other cliché junk.  I miss the intimacy we had, the special jokes just between us, the pages of love letters he would write for me, and even his crazy family.  I know I can’t go back.  I don’t want to.  He’s married with three kids.  I hope for his wife’s sake that he has changed and is loyal to her.  For some reason, I just know deep down that he is.  Maybe I helped him learn why fidelity and trust are both so important.  I hope so.  I really do wish him all the best.  I want him to be happy.  But I wonder if he still thinks about me every now and then…

I spent 6.5 of my 29 years with these two guys.  That’s almost a quarter of my life.  Sometimes I just hope that I am remembered too.  I think that’s all I need.