I didn’t sleep hardly at all that night. Morning came, and I just laid there. I wasn’t going to walk out. No one deserves to be walked out on. But I didn’t know how to face him. Eventually he got up, filled his water glass, and went to the bathroom. He came back to bed and tried to go back to sleep. Then I got up, went to the bathroom, and filled my water glass. When I got back to bed, I reached for my phone because I was done pretending to sleep. I was planning on checking in with the world to get my mind off things. Next thing I know, J’s head is in my lap. I didn’t know what to do, but I figured this was an apology gesture of some sort…or at the very least a sign of affection. So I absentmindedly rubbed his head while staring out the window.
After a little while, he told me that he was sorry about how he had acted the night before. I apologized for my bad timing, but said that I had just really needed to talk right then. He acknowledged that and said he understood where I was coming from.
We then proceeded to have the talk. We definitely didn’t right the world with our conversation. He said some painful things. He didn’t say them in a hurtful way. He said them in an honest way, which actually made them that much worse.
To sum it up, he thinks there’s been a problem since April. We had a big blowup that month, which really affected me and how I thought about our relationship. Essentially, he said ever since then I’ve been trying too hard to make things perfect, I walk on egg-shells around him like I think he’s going to break up with me at any time, and I get too easily stressed out and worried about silly little things. All true. Very, very true. He then went on to say that he has concerns about a long-term future with me because of these things. Yeah, I almost hid that part from you guys. But I’m trying to be more honest about the bad things in my life.
There was a long silence after that. I couldn’t say anything. My heart was breaking. I eventually told him that I didn’t know what to say…probably because everything he said was true. I said that I was really sad that he has such a hard time seeing a future with me. He quickly corrected me and said that he didn’t have a hard time seeing it…he just had some concerns, especially about how we would handle the big, stressful things in life.
The conversation went on for awhile. I told him that I think he has an issue with trying to make things perfect too…and that I wished we could hang out without any plans more often. I told him that sometimes I get stressed because he projects his stress on me. I said that I’ve had a hard time communicating with him lately, which means I keep all of my emotions inside…causing me to turn into a crazy person. He said he wants me to stop trying to do everything that I think he wants. He wants me to start planning some things for us that I want to do, regardless of whether or not I think he would like it. I honestly told him that it’s very hard for me because he’s such an opinionated person that he makes it obvious when he doesn’t want to do something. It feels like rejection to me when he makes a face at my ideas so I’ve stopped having an opinion on what we do. But we came to a tenuous agreement that I need to start mandating we do some of the things I want. I think I can do that. I also need to stop walking on eggshells around him. I’ve already decided not to plan another thing for awhile. It’s okay because we have some really busy weeks coming up. I think it will work out for the best this way. I’m also going to try hard to not think about our relationship too much. Does that sound weird? I’m going to try to concentrate on other things when we’re not together so I don’t obsess.
I don’t know. I feel like we finally had a good conversation about what is wrong with our relationship. I no longer feel like he is going to walk out on me. I mean, he wouldn’t have been making suggestions and talking about our summer plans if he was, right? He wouldn’t be annoyed about me thinking he’s constantly going to break up with me if was about to actually break up with me, right? I really don’t think so. I know that I need to get back to the person he fell for a year ago…the happy, confident girl who was relatively stress free and liked to have fun. I need to find her again. It’s not impossible. But it’s not like snapping my fingers either. It’s going to be a long journey to get there. I’m disappointed in that because it feels like we’ve taken a giant step backwards instead of forwards. If he has concerns about our future now then it’s going to take a lot of time and effort to allay those concerns. I wanted to be farther along as we hit our one year anniversary…
But I’m not going to give up. I’m going to give it all another shot. Because even though the above is probably making you wonder if this relationship is worth it, I know in my heart it is. I know he’s going to start trying harder because he thinks it’s worth it too. I can still remember all the good things about our relationship and I do not want to give that up. I can still be in love with that man even if he treated me a little poorly the night of the talk. He made up for it the next morning. Instead of shutting down, he gave me what I wanted…a chance to heal our relationship.
I need to remember that sometimes I have to let myself feel pain so that I can truly feel the happiness when it comes.